Wow.

Alright, so today is July 26th, and I have a month and three days left of Katimavik. When I think about how badly I want to see family and friends at home, it seems like a long time, but when I think about it in terms of time left with my Katima-family... it's so, so short.

I answered a phone call at the house yesterday from one of the billet dads in White River. He wasn't my billet dad, but I know him fairly well since their house was always so open and welcoming to everyone in the group. He's a really funny guy and he and his wife are super supportive of anything Katimavik.

He told me about a letter written by one of the girls who is in the program, in White River right now. She wrote this letter-type thing about her experience and how she feels now that it's coming close to the end, and posted it on facebook. This girl stayed at my old billet house in White River, and so she got in contact with me and we were messaging back and forth. She said that in all of the towns, people have been telling her she reminded them of me. Weird, eh? So I guess we are similar in personality.

So anyway, knowing that, I went and checked out this letter that she had written, and I was shocked at how closely it reflects how I am feeling right now. Over the past 9 months, we stayed in the same towns (at different times - her group always followed ours) and met a few of the same people - we even both worked at the school in Inverness, but you would think that our experiences and impressions would still be very different. But I felt like the letter could have been written by me, and I kind of wished I actually had written it, because it showed a perspective I didn't know how to express, and actually wasn't even really aware that I had, until I read it.

In her letter, she talked about how the end of Katimavik is coming so near and now - and you might laugh at this, but - we have to go back into the "real world". Trust me, Katimavik is not a normal lifestyle. It picks you right up out of your regular life, on a regular old day like November 29th (note - that date is not just any old day to me anymore) and drops you in this whole other world, where you get to adjust by resetting most of the rules and ideals that shape your life. Then you just have 9 months of this wild ride, a constant learning process - intensely personal, but at the same time shared closely with every member of the house at every obstacle and achievement. And all the while, people are asking you what the program is doing for you, what you're learning and how you've changed, but it's not something you see because you are still in the new world, living the new rules. I haven't changed - my world has! I swear.

So all along I never really worried or thought about whether my point of view has changed over the past 8 months, but at some point you just realize. I have been living in small towns (and I mean small! Population = 800 min., 3,000 max.) and doing things for no payment. Our whole point of living is to provide service to others, and not think at all about what we get in return. We work full-time all week for non-profit organizations, and then plan full weekends of just more work. For little, practically no pay. And this is totally normal now. And I really, actually enjoy it. I know it's a rare occasion that you get to give and give, without having to worry about whether you are getting enough in return to keep you living in comfort or even surviving. I know I have to eventually go back to "real life," where parts of my schedule, maybe later even my whole life, is based on how much money I will get or miss out on, depending on what I choose to do. Bleh. So you can see here how just one part of my point of view has been changed. How a message, practically a great law, given over and over by society is just being completely skewed, stepped on and ignored. Here, time does not equal money.

The other half of it is, I have been living with great friends. I wake up to friends (sometimes if my alarm clock doesn't work, they save the day and wake me up), before this trimester I always went to work with friends, and then I come home every day to a support team of friends. We tell stories from the day. If you had a hard day you get a hug and feel better, and if you had a good day, you get to tell your happy story and everyone shares in your joy. This, to me, is not weird, because I've always lived with a fairly big family and we talk to each other. But in this case, it would be like if I worked with my family members, shared a room with my family members, and spent all my time on weekends with my family members. I wouldn't have any friends that weren't equally friends with all my family members, because we would always be seen together, known more as a group than as individuals, and invited places as a group. And when these people invite my family to a show or party, it is most likely to ask us to do some kind of work for setting up or serving the food or something. It would not be weird for total strangers to walk into our house (because the door is never locked) asking a favor. Also, we would have Sunday evening family meetings to discuss how we felt about the week and what we're learning, and the game plan for the upcoming week. We would also go to any important event wearing matching shirts.

Regular families are not like this.

My point is that as group members we've become really close, like abnormally close, and I can't imagine being across the country from them all of a sudden. In a month, they won't be with me all the time. I'm so used to hearing all their little stories every single day and big hugs whenever we want, and they mean so much to me, and soon we'll need phone, mail or internet to communicate. Not enough.

In a month and a half, I won't be walking down the streets of town (no need for public transit - it's a ten-minute walk across town) and get a wave and smile because I'm "one of the Katimaviks"; more likely I'll be running to catch the bus and the driver will just keep going because I wasn't there when he drove by. And I'm not even from a huge city. I will miss the feeling of being part of a group, and it's weird to think that soon, that chunk of my current identity will just be taken away.

One last thing - although I'm sure there are a billion more points I could cover - but I think this is the biggest. It's definitely the hardest to explain. Ignoring all the little ideals and rules that have fine-tuned my personality and sense of self - my point of view in general, of life, has been altered. Huge, right? I know. I came into this hoping it might help me decide what I want to do in life (career-wise), and I guess it probably has in the long run, but just that - in the long run. But it's probably prolonged my decision-making, at least in the career section of my life. For better or for worse, I don't know. The travelling, meeting other people, seeing other lifestyles and experiencing a totally different one for myself, made me realize that the possibilities are endless. They really are just endless, and I have this life ahead of me that I get to mold and shape however I want.

Everyone knows the point in life isn't just to get a job and make money. People say that all the time. But also it's occurring to me that life is not about listening to what "people say," either. We hear that a million times, but then the ultimate message we're given, face value, is that money matters. Everyone knows it, but when we step back slightly from society and really take a look, towards what goal are most people working? Money. It's what makes us fit the mold, get a career, etc. I'm not saying any way of life is wrong. It just feels so concrete right now that I have to pick the path for myself, not by the mold that's expected by most of the world.

If I don't use this life to see the most beautiful sunsets, love the most amazing people, and experience the most amazing things that I possibly can, it will be wasted. This doesn't necessarily mean having a career or lots of money; it doesn't necessarily mean travelling or seeing and meeting new people all the time; this is the weird part - it doesn't necessarily mean anything. It means making as many moments as possible into great moments. It means whatever I make it mean for me - I pick the life that will make me the most happy, then sit back and kick it with the flow that I chose. I am lucky enough to have amazing family and friends. I am also lucky enough to be given fabulous opportunities, but also the knowledge that if these opportunities are ever not enough, I can make my own. The point is, like I said, the possibilities are endless. Instead of making a decision, I now have a billion more ideas and opportunities just swirling and bouncing around in my head. I know there will never be enough time to do all of it, not enough time to make every moment great, but all I can do, from right now onward, is try.

If you read all of this, thank you, congratulations, and I hope it made sense.
Peace and love
Amanda